I Am Me to Forget Who I Am

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by JC Girard

The concept is quite simple actually; but, before I talk about the title, let me explain a bit about where I am liturgically in my faith. Ash Wednesday, which marks the beginning of Lent in the Catholic Faith (a time of fasting and prayer), starts tomorrow. Traditionally, Catholics will give something indulging up as sacrifice during this time of fasting. Children will say no more PS2 or no more chocolate. Adults may give time a add an extra hour of prayer every day for the 40 days. This entry has nothing to do with Lent, but the tradition has brought on this thought…

You see, I have had a moment to sit and breathe for the first time in a long time and I have just realized that I have not yet thought of what I would like to do for Lent. I have not mentally prepared myself for this sacrifice and as I type, I am still reluctant to prepare myself. I spoke earlier about silence and understanding myself… but it seems I have yet to do that. I cannot spend 30min to prepare for the most important part of my liturgical year, how can I spend 10 minutes deciding who I am?

This is where my concept comes in to play. I recently ended any signals I was sending to a man I thought I might date in the future. I simply told him I was not ready for a relationship because I am not at that place in my life. During our conversation, he said very frequently that he “didn’t know all of this about me.” To be quite honest, the titles I was giving myself were kind of a shock to me as well! I told him I was independent, stubborn, afraid of asking for things etc. All of which are true, by the way. But none of which I had thought about until that moment. I have created this persona (who is also part of my true self, but not entirely my true self) who lives every day and walks my life for me. I’ve created this sheltered person who shows only half of me so the other half can hide (starting to make a bit of sense?). Therefore, the “me” that I am, helps to forget the “me” that wishes to be. I am not lying to myself. I am who I am. I’m simply not being 100% true to God, and therefore, I am not 100% true to myself or those around me. And that’s just not fair to you, to God, or to the “me” that has put itself on the line!!

“Who is that girl I see? Starring straight, back at me? When will my reflection show, who I am inside?” – Mulan (Disney)

Today’s challenge: Start a list of words people use to describe me frequently. I feel that’s as good of a place as any to start finding myself. Along with prayer, things should start to be more clear.

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