by JC Girard
The word itself rings truth in my ears… It’s smooth. The “c” can be held at the end of the word for emphasis; for silence. It’s so calm and for some people, reassuring; but, for me, it screams truths I wished never to hear.
I have a giant calendar hanging on my bedroom wall. Actually, I have a giant calendar, a smaller calendar, an agenda, and a white board to write out my daily to-do list. I have consistent reminders in my phone and Facebook notifications for upcoming events I have planned to attend. Why so organized? Because I never stop moving. My days literally goes as followed: school, work, friend’s, homework, sleep. Sometimes I find time to eat. Once in a while I decide I should probably stop to relax so I schedule myself two hours to watch a movie with my brother while I fly through my textbooks. In general, I have to actually pencil in best friends to spend time with them. They get a special spot on the calendar, but nonetheless, must be scheduled or it would never happen. I love it. I love the rush I get from having so much to do and no time to do it. Why? Because chaos and silence cannot co-exist.
This blog was actually due more than a week ago and this is the first time I’ve been able to sit down in months; and I hate it. I find myself running from silence, running from slow-motion and flower-smelling paces. I run. Have you ever sat quietly? Try it. Sit in your room. No sound, no light, no distractions. What comes into your head? What do you think about? I know what I think about… I think about how scary silence is. I won’t allow myself to sit in a quiet room; I turn on the radio or watch a movie on my laptop. I even fall asleep to a play list on my iPod.
Thinking about me scares me. My failures, my flaws, my worries, and my desires haunt my thoughts. So I shut them down by shutting them out. It’s like that saying “What you don’t know can’t hurt you.” Essentially, I protect myself from myself by avoiding all forms of silence or meditation. But in the long run, I may be hurting myself. I guess this entry was more for my own awareness. I understand things better when I write them out.
Perhaps tonight I will try to sit in silence. Just me and God. Perhaps tonight I will conquer my biggest fear and open my eyes to a scary tool that could save my life. Silence may be a fear, but it can also be a lifesaver… or so I’m told.
Shhhhhhhh… Be quiet. You speak louder when you’re silent.